


Authentic Punaji Theater

by HorizonTheTransient



Category: The Gods Are Bastards - D. D. Webb
Genre: Gen, Mock Trials, Pirates, Slapstick
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-18
Updated: 2019-02-18
Packaged: 2019-10-31 01:00:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 803
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17839403
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HorizonTheTransient/pseuds/HorizonTheTransient
Summary: A camping trip in the Wyrnrange provides a lot of free time, and sometimes, someone has a bright idea for filling that time.





	Authentic Punaji Theater

"Owdah, owdah!" Trissiny declared in a deliberately bad ancient Viridi accent, banging a particularly heavy stick against a stump. "I will have owdah in my couwt! Who stands befowah me, baiwiffs?"

"Princess Zaruda Carmelita Xingyu Sameera Meredith Punaji, your honor," Teal said in a grandiose approximation of Narisian reserve, which only seemed paradoxical to any who hadn't witnessed it for themselves.

"Charged with Piracy," Shaeine added.

"Hey!" Ruda said, indignantly, standing up from her seat. "You're forgetting the murder!"

"The  _ alleged _ murder," Juniper said, gently pulling Ruda back down to her seat.

"Charged with Piracy and Murder," Shaeine amended.

"Mmm... What degwee of muwdew?" Trissiny asked.

"Presumably the first," Shaeine said.

"The  _ zeroeth! _ " Ruda yelled.

"Objection, your honor!" Gabe said. "What the fuck is zeroeth degree murder?"

"Ovewwuled," Trissiny said, smacking her stick against the stump again.

"What?"

"I  _ said _ , ovew  _ wuled! _ "

"First degree murder is where you kill someone after planning to, yeah?" Ruda said. "Well, zeroeth degree is when you plan  _ someone else's _ murders  _ for _ them!"

There was a chorus of gasps from all present.

"Wait, isn't that just being a military officer?" Gabe asked.

"Baiwiffs! Thwow him to the fwoow!" Trissiny yelled. Shaeine and Teal walked over to Gabe, picked him up by the arms, then threw him to the ground. "Prosecutow! Call up your fiwst witness!"

"I call to the stand... Tobias Caine!" Gabe said, still on the ground. "Mr. Caine-"

"Don't call me Mister, I work for a living," Toby said in a gravelly, edgy-sounding voice as he walked up to stand beside Trissiny. "Name's Bias."

"...Bias?"

"It's short for Tobias."

"Can't argue with that," Ruda said.

"Owdah!"

"Bias, tell us more about yourself," Gabe said.

"I'm the Hand of Ruda," Toby said. "Means I was the first mate."

"Did your captain ever commit acts that would be considered piracy?" Gabe asked.

"Well, it's not like she knitted doilies for the Empress' tea table," Toby said, before coughing and clearing his throat, before dropping the fake voice. "Yeah, she's a pirate. One time she made me make a merchant captain walk the plank."

Gasps went up around the court.

"Zeroeth degree murder..." Gabe whispered, before yelping as Ruda threw one of her boots at Toby.

"Miss Punaji!" Trissiny yelled.

"Permission to treat the witness as hostile, your honor?" Ruda asked.

"...Gwanted."

Ruda threw her other boot at Toby, managing to nail him in the shoulder.

"Stop that!" Toby said.

"She has to, she's out of boots," Fross pointed out.

" _ I am an endless supply of boots! _ " Ruda yelled, yanking a mocassin off of a yelping Juniper's foot and throwing it at Toby.

"Baiwiffs! Thwow him to the fwoow!" Trissiny yelled.

Teal and Shaeine picked Gabe up again, before once again throwing him to the ground.

"What did I do?!" Gabe yelled.

"I don't wike that wook on youw face," Trissiny declared.

"Fuck you!"

"Your honor, I would like to charge Gabriel Arquin with contempt of court!" Juniper said.

"Motion passed," Trissiny said. "Gabwiel! What hawe you to say fow youwself?"

"Ruda killed people!" Gabe protested. "And she threw shoes at Toby!"

"Wuda?"

"He started it!" Ruda yelled, pointing at Toby.

"Bias?"

"I think Gabe's guilty, and you should hang them both," Toby said.

"Toby!"

"Gabe!"

"Teal!" the bard yelled, provoking more than a few character-breaking snickers.

"This couwt finds Zawuda  _ guilty _ of piwacy and zewoeth degwee muwdew, and Gabwiel guilty of contempt of couwt!" Trissiny declared, before banging her gavel. "Baiwiffs! Execute them!"

"I find your sense of humor obnoxious at best and actively offensive at worst," Shaeine said solemnly, raising the stick that served as the headsman's axe.

"Objection!" Gabriel said, pointing forward and slightly upward. "I demand trial by combat!"

"Objection!" Zaruda said. "I want one too!"

"Vewy weww," Trissiny said. "Baiwiffs, give them youw swowds. You two shaww fight each  _ othew _ fow fweedom!"

"Oh hell," Gabe muttered, taking the offered stick, as Ruda pulled out her actual mythril rapier. "Objection, she's using a real sword!"

"Meh," Trissiny said as Ruda began chasing him around with a sword. "You'll live."

* * *

 

"The hell are they doing?" Merry asked, frowning at the scene from a distance.

"Standard Punaji shipboard theater," Principia said, eating some cornbread. "It's a mock trial, although usually it involves a lot more boasting and embellishment about alleged crimes. This is just slapstick."

"Huh," Merry said. "Wait, standard Punaji shipboard theater?"

"Yep."

"How do you know what Punaji shipboard theater is like?"

"Because I've sailed with the Punaji, duh," Principia said. "I mean, come on, I've been an adventurer for two centuries."

"You've been holding out at storytime, LT."

"Well, we've got time," Principia said. "Lemme see... Alright, so, this was right after the Enchanter's Bane, and I decided I didn't wanna be on the continent for a while. So I went to Puna Dara..."


End file.
